I enjoy reading the supermarket tabloids as much as anyone, and I sometimes wonder if my occasional “moonlighting” at local pharmacies is more of an attempt to use free library privileges, than an effort to build a college fund for my daughter, Clare. Regardless, there’s no news like celebrity news, and tabloids seem to be in a never-ending quest to create ever more shocking headlines.

Whether you enjoy tabloid journalism, or not, those miniature newspapers cannot be avoided in the cash register lines of most grocery, convenience, and drug stores, with the headlines reaching out to catch our collective eye. Most of the latest news involves the Spears family, dealing with Jaime Lynn’s “on-again, off-again” pregnancy, Britney’s “on-again, off-again” mental health issues, and Mother Lynn’s “on-again, off-again” book release date, for her guide on effective parenting. No, the most creative journalist cannot make this stuff up.

While the Spears family will one day be a mere tabloid memory, an inevitable fate for the fleetingly famous few, some topics remain a staple for tabloid journalism. For example, the latest celebrity weight loss fad will always hold a place of honor in the tabloids.

At the risk of lowering the quality of this column to the level of tabloid journalism, today I will review the latest pill that claims to provide a buff, celebrity body in a few short weeks. Oh, yes, and it was originally marketed as a medication to address respiratory problems in horses. Again, even the most creative, innovative, and provocative journalists, such as myself, cannot make this stuff up.

Clenbuterol, or “Clen,” as the Hollywood elite call this medication, is a long-lasting bronchodilator, used by horses in the United States, but abused by American bodybuilders, due to the medication’s ability to increase lean muscle mass and reduce overall body fat. A Beta-2 Sympathomimetic, it stimulates the Central Nervous System, mimicking the hormones adrenaline and noradrenalin. Our nervous system comes in two varieties, known as parasympathetic and sympathetic. The parasympathetic pathway regulates involuntary functions, such as digestion, and the sympathetic pathway controls voluntary functions, such as the release of adrenalin. While most agree the release of adrenalin is not a voluntary action, try telling that to my adrenal glands while I’m watching the recent market collapse on CNBC. Regardless, Clenbuterol exerts actions on the human body that are similar to ephedrine, or amphetamines, particularly with regard to weight loss. In theory, it reduces fat in the body, without dieting, by slightly raising the base body temperature.

Obviously, something this great must have some horrendous side effects, and Clenbuterol certainly comes with a long list. Heart palpitations, agitation, muscular quivers, cramps, nausea, headache, high blood pressure, and insomnia, are all listed as possible side effects, but are usually minimized after about ten days.

As stated, Clenbuterol is not legal for human consumption, and is only available for veterinary use. Fortunately, for our Hollywood celebs, California borders Mexico, and most of the Clenbuterol used illegally in the United States comes from our Latin neighbors, through illegal importing methods. One tabloid quoted an “insider,” who claims salons providing Clenbuterol to customers in Hollywood refer to their users as “mares.” Seriously, I cannot make this stuff up.

Of course, in addition to the side effects, Clenbuterol has a bonus feature. Since it builds up quickly in the body, one of the reasons it produces amazing weight loss results in a few days, after three to four weeks it may have the opposite effect. That’s right, after a few weeks, Clenbuterol may actually promote weight gain, which could explain the constant “yo-yo” weight gains and losses among Hollywood’s elite. Needless to say, I don’t recommend Clenbuterol for anyone walking on fewer than four legs.

Hopefully, Britney, Jaime, and Lynn will one day be living simple lives, in a simple mansion, on a simple Pacific coastline, content with anonymity, but that future will not bode well for tabloid journalists. Thankfully, I believe Lindsey Lohan will be off probation soon, and behind the wheel of her Mercedes. A tabloid reporter’s work is never done!