Greensburg Daily News, Greensburg, IN

Columns

August 22, 2012

Graves: What's golden about them? Part 2

Greensburg — As explained in the previous column, we spend the first couple decades of life acting our age, and on occasion trying to appear more mature when the situation warrants it.

Personally speaking, at the age of 12, anyone past the age of 21 looked like part of the Over The Hill gang, but I couldn't wait to get there and enjoy all the benefits of "adulthood."

When the magic day of my 21st birthday finally arrived I sauntered into one of the local pubs to order a legal alcoholic beverage. The only problem was, I had no idea just what to order. I bellied up to the bar between a couple of knuckle dragging beer drinkers, wiped the sweat off my brow and ordered a glass of sherry. Both Bubba's turned, looked at me and slowly leaned away and shook their heads. I thought about saying, "Either one of you dudes happen to know where I can git a good used pick-em-up truck and a double barreled shotgun?" I didn't, so I gagged down the stuff that tasted like Geritol and left, swearing to take up a better tasting, sinful hobby.

The next nine years flew by while getting married to a great person, having two perfect kids (Ha!) and trying to convince my employers that their companies would crumble into dust without my presence. Meanwhile, I, like everyone else, kept up with the latest in fashion trends and hair styles that originated in California. Bell bottomed trousers, Nehru shirts, and long hair were the order of the day. Every morning, I'd stand in front of the mirror, comb my long, curly locks and hiss, "You handsome devil, you."

That is, until one day at a service station when the attendant approached from the rear of the car and said, "May I help you, ma'am?" That night Judy lopped a few inches off my mane.

One day I looked ahead and saw the deadline looming. The end. The last hoorah. The final chapter in a young and vital life. I would turn 30 in a few months. To me, thirty marked the demise of a perpetual teenage lifestyle. No more midnight drag races or Michael Landon werewolf movies. Even my two remaining zits were beginning to fade. When the fateful day arrived, I stood in front of a mirror raking through my hair looking for the inevitable gray strands that I knew were there and made plans to visit the drug store the next day for my first application of Just For Men. Although none were found, I knew the little assassins were waiting to sneak out when I wasn't watching.

Were those bags forming under my eyes? Rigorous application of a wash cloth took care of that problem but no amount of scrubbing could remove the small dark line that was forming above my upper lip. My futile attempts to date to grow a mustache were finally showing results. But why had that not been apparent at first? Could it be that my eyesight was beginning to fade?

I planned to make an appointment with an optometrist the next week. Facing reality, my youth was beginning to sink into the sunset. It was time to take drastic steps. I bought a motorcycle.

The scoot (I quickly learned the proper jargon) gave me a sense of youthful freedom with wind blown hair and bug splattered teeth, but the younger bikers, even though I was a part of the brotherhood, were keeping me at a polite distance. Reluctantly, I settled in with riders my own age or older and started hanging out at rallies and joining in cross country rides. That is, until the scoot and I came to a differing of opinion one day and I wore dressings and Band-Aids for a few weeks as a result. Maybe it was time to let Mother Nature take her natural course since I wasn't going to last much longer, anyway. I concentrated on my career and other mundane things for the next few years, all the while waiting for the hammer to fall.

Somehow, I had made it to 40 and the gray hairs were still hiding in the foliage. Small lines began appearing on my face and I spent a little time each morning pressing my fingers against my temples, staring in the mirror and pulling the skin back to see what "reconstructive surgery" would do. I looked like I had a nylon stocking over my head and when I released my hold my face snapped back to a 40-year-old.

Thinking that stapling the folds of skin wouldn't help I gave up and bought a sports car. A bright red one. Now suave and debonair and a member of the jet set, I felt 20 years younger. Until one day a couple of chicks pulled up beside me at a stop light. One looked over and said, "Man, that's a cool car." Her buddy said, "Yeah, but look at the old man driving it."

Years have passed and I've kept the car and the motorcycle, just for the fun of it. The creams and lotions that claim to take years off your appearance haven't worked. I'm used to hearing my doctor say such things as, "You're scintillator bone has slipped out of alignment with you onfonosanadim."

The gray hairs have finally decided to come out of hiding, no longer afraid of an attack by Just For Men. Apparently you can't make a thoroughbred out of a mule by simply putting a saddle on it, but I'm not through yet.

Forget shuffleboard, checkers, and bingo. There is a growing demand among seniors for things as they used to be, such as manual typewriters and radios that were a piece of furniture. I'll open an antique store with a sign that says "Over 65 Only Allowed Inside. I.D. Required. Management Reserves The Right To Refuse Service To Anyone Who Uses Just For Men or Wrinkle Removing Creams or Lotions."

1
Text Only
Columns
  • nei-gb082014-linda kennett column pic A collecting bonus? It's in the cards Remember the packs of sports trading cards from the 1970s and 80s? I recently stumbled across several boxes of them that I thought my son had taken when he bought his first home 15 years ago. But there they were, still in the closet and mixed among t

    August 20, 2014 1 Photo

  • nei-gb082014-homemakers column file photo Summer has flown by It seems summer is nearly gone. The State Fair is over, the Power of the Past is gone for another year, and the children are back in school. It may be time to think about getting involved in making and donating some items for Riley Hospital. We alw

    August 20, 2014 1 Photo

  • Pat Smith: Goofy golf raises breast cancer awareness Last week I stopped in to ask Susan Doerflinger Burkhart to please interpret a letter I received from an insurance company I had two or more years ago. As usual, she was able to ease my mind. While there she asked if I was going to play in the all-fe

    August 20, 2014

  • Craft brewers, vintners bring spirits to State Fair Brad Hawkins felt right at home hawking his beer at the Indiana State Fairgrounds last week.When Hawkins opened his Salt Creek Brewery in a converted filling station in tiny Needmore three years ago, some tee-totaling neighbors protested he was putti

    August 19, 2014

  • Back to the classroom These days, it seems like the summers are going by even faster than they did when I was a student! Just yesterday, the temperatures were beginning to warm up and children were hanging up their backpacks. Now, many of them are already back in the clas

    August 19, 2014

  • Our children and their children Let’s ponder “our children” and “their children.”First, Gov. Mike Pence made a wise call this past week when he ordered the Department of Child Services to begin reimbursing families who had adopted special needs children.A class action lawsuit filed

    August 19, 2014

  • Remember the joy Williams gave Ball State’s Wes Gehring, the author of dozens of books on Hollywood stars, says the apparent suicide of Robin Williams will not tarnish the comedian’s legendary achievements.Williams was found dead Monday in his California home. He was 63.“As the li

    August 16, 2014

  • Why government fails Whatever our political stripe, we all want government to fail less often. Citizens and the media need to pressure elected officials to spend more time digging into the nitty-gritty of fixing bureaucracies.As election season approaches, I’ve been pond

    August 14, 2014

  • Giving young people a second chance How many of you know what the Hoosier Youth ChalleNGe Academy is? More basically, how many of you know where it is? I had a vague notion of where it is, but I would have been hard-pressed to tell you much about what it is.The Hoosier Youth ChalleNGe

    August 14, 2014

  • Camping for kicks and giggles (The chances of pitching your tent on a hill of fire ants are directly proportional to the distance from the nearest hospital.)Camping, most notably primitive style, can be a rewarding and fun experience, especially if the site is on the bank of a ho

    August 14, 2014

Featured Ads
AP Video
Raw: IDF Footage Said to Show Airstrikes Police: Ferguson More Peaceful Raw: Aftermath of Airstrike in Gaza Raw: Thousands March on Pakistani Parliament Raw: World's Oldest Man Lives in Japan Fire Crews Tame Yosemite Fire Raw: Police Weapon Drawn Near Protesters, Media Raw: Deadly Landslides in Japan Raw: Explosions in Gaza As Airstrikes Resume Arrests Witnessed in Ferguson Charter Schools Alter Post-Katrina Landscape Texas Gov. Perry: Indictment 'a Political Act' US Officials: Video Shows American's Beheading Video Shows Ferguson Cop Months Before Shooting Heavy Rains Flood Arizona Roads US Trying to Verify Video of American's Killing FBI Director Addresses Ferguson Shooting in Utah Raw: Police at Scene of St. Louis Shooting Police: 2 Calif. Boys Planned School Shooting NOLA Police Chief Retires Amid Violent Crimes
Hyperlocal Search
Premier Guide
Find a business

Walking Fingers
Maps, Menus, Store hours, Coupons, and more...
Premier Guide
Parade
Magazine

Click HERE to read all your Parade favorites including Hollywood Wire, Celebrity interviews and photo galleries, Food recipes and cooking tips, Games and lots more.