I never considered what it would be like to be so rich that I’d be embarrassed about it. I’m going to have to get used to the idea now though, now that it’s happened.

I now have a trifecta – wait, make that THE world-record trifecta – of the world’s most intelligent and beautiful and clever grandchildren in the world. Yes, I went full-redundant with “world” in that sentence, which I’m allowed to do whenever I like, seein’s how I’m the World’s Richest Grandparent!

The latest sterling addition to the Stuart clan is the clever, intelligent, and beautiful little girl born to No. 1 son and his wife, No. 2 daughter-in-law. For those keeping track of my wealth, she is No. 1 granddaughter (in the “No. 1 Son Division”), No. 2 granddaughter, and No. 3 grandchild – those last two being only in the sense of “birth order”! (No. 2 son and No. 1 daughter-in-law are parents to No. 1 grandson and No. 1 granddaughter [No. 2 Son Division], sometimes aka No. 2 grandchild. (I’ve explained all this numerical, um, numbering before -- don’t make me explain it again; I assure you it has a rationale, even if that rationale is not rational.)

The new little pearl arrived one day before her due date, via Caesarean section, which the Indiana doctors who delivered her have informed the global obstetrics network will now be called the Stuartsarean Section, due to the awe-inspiring wonderfulness of this baby.

She weighed ideal pounds, perfect ounces; her hair is superlative-colored, matching well with her unparalleled-color eyes.

Actually, I’m having to take No. 1 son’s word for it on the eye color – I’m told they’re hazel – because while No. 2 daughter-in-law is a skilled and avid photographer, she has not been able to snap a single shot of the little treasure with her eyes open. But this is further proof, in a way, of her unique wonderfulness! – No. 1 says she sleeps “all the time,” thus thoughtfully giving her parents plenty of opportunity to rest. What a considerate child!

In fact, I think No. 2 granddaughter – only in the sense of birth order!! – may be more considerate than her parents, who have asked us not to visit for a couple weeks – something about “managing the comings and goings of other visitors” (super-wealthy visitors, it should be mentioned!) and something about “being careful during a pandemic.” Of course I jest – why, I’m writing this column in my hermetically sealed spare bedroom, wearing my Purel-infused bathrobe and Lysol-saturated slippers. I’m gonna stay well, and see that baby as soon as I’m permitted!!

I must say, it is difficult to think of sober-minded things to say about this spectacular new bundle of joy. The best I can come up with is that she lives much too far away – she’s in Indiana, and I’m not. I suppose I’d say she was too far away if she lived in the next neighborhood over, but durnit, I’m in North Caroliney. From here to her feels like the distance between Tatooine and Dagobah (these are planets in the “Star Wars” saga, the first being where Luke Skywalker grew up, and second being where he met Yoda. I explain this because you may not know, although, not to embarrass you or anything, my No 2 granddaughter certainly already does, because she’s sooooo smart!!)

Like most modern parents, Little Miss Wonderful’s parents will do their best to shrink the distance between us by using an app called TinyBeans, which enables them to share updates and photos on a daily basis (though I’m preparing to submit a request for them to post on an quarter-hourly cadence.) TinyBeans apparently was developed for use by parents everywhere, and was pretty popular for a while. But I hear usage has dwindled to only two families – those of my kids – because my grandchildren are just too smart, personable and cute for any others to compete with.

The photos No. 1 son and No. 2 daughter-in-law have posted are, it goes without saying, very cute. There’s one of her getting a bath, one of her getting her diaper changed, one of her getting her exquisite little fingernails trimmed. And there’s one of her and No. 1 son captioned, “Video gaming with daddy.” The look on No. 1’s face is both doting and a little dazed. Turns out she was winning! (I told you she is sooooo smart!!)


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