The wife got her new work computer delivered to the house yesterday. She was not AT ALL amused this morning when she found me using it to write this column.

See, the computer I’ve written columns on for the last 10+ years is now, according to my math, 10+ years old, and it’s starting to act all glitchy, hinky and sclerotic – everything I ask it to do it does soooooooo sloooooooowly!!

So I decided I’d just quick-like whip out a new column on the wife’s new, fast machine. But she said – get this! – “Why don’t you figure out how to make the old (she didn’t mention “and sloooooooow”) computer run faster?” (Full disclosure: She said this after initially saying “Get your dadgum* mitts OFF my new computer!!!”)

(*She may have used a word other than “dadgum.”)

So now I’m sitting in front of the olllllllld sloooooooow computer, trying to figure out how to figure out if I’m capable of figuring out what’s making it so pokey.

I began investigating possible causes for the gummed-up works. But I got distracted. Because I began combing through all the folders I’ve created over the years in my email account. They have nothing to do with how fast my computer operates, but they led to quite a few “What the heck?” moments:

Item: I’ve created at least 95 different folders to store e -mails since I first decided there were wonderful benefits of creating folders to store e-mails. I have no idea if this is a lot of folders or not. I also have no idea what most of the folders contain. And, since I’ve let most of these folders sit idle for years without opening them, or updating them, or adding or deleting e-mails from them, I’m forced to admit that I have no idea what the wonderful benefits of creating folders to store e-mails are.

Item: Once upon a time, I created a folder labeled “Beer Stuff.” I believe it was early 2008, because the e-mails in it are all from early 2008. One of them is a “welcome” message from Beeradvocate.com. I appear to have created an “account” on Beeradvocate.com in January 2008. I guess I could visit that site and see if my “account” is still active – the website is. In fact, on the day I’m writing this, its homepage has a list of “Trending Beers,” topped by a brew from Kentucky Breakfast Stout called Maple Mackinac Fudge. (It’s mid-morning, and, like a Hobbit, I’m feeling peckish for a second breakfast. . .and finding a “Breakfast Stout” sounds intriguing. . .but sorry, beer that tastes like Maple Mackinac Fudge?!?!? -- YUUUCCCKKK!!!)

Item: I found a folder labeled “Assoc. Content.” It was empty – there were zero files stored in it. I deleted it. The computer did not start operating any faster. I told the wife and said that I’ve tried just about everything to speed the machine up. She had me recite the entire list, which at that point in time, consisted of deleting the “Assoc. Content” folder. She suggested I keep trying.

Item: I have a folder labeled “Column Stuff.” From September 2006 to January 2019, I stored 54 e-mails in it. Most of them appear to be ideas for columns. I bet you hope some of them are funny, or interesting, or at least a tiny bit more funny or interesting than this column. I hope so too!

Item: I have a folder labeled “TV Repair.” I actually remember creating this one. It was 2018, and something went wrong with our Sony TV, and I, techno-wizard extraordinaire, tried to repair it myself. It went about as well as today’s efforts to speed up my slow computer. I think I’ll delete that folder pronto.

Item: I have a folder that I named “Cool Images.” It doesn’t contain very many messages but there’s one with the subject line “Guinness Gaelic ad.” I appear to have mailed it to myself. There’s actually no message, just an attachment: A photo of an old-school pub sign, picturing a tall pint of Guinness stout and the Gaelic phrase “Is fearroe (then a word consisting of Gaelic letters I can’t find on this old, slow computer) Guinness.”

I don’t know why I mailed myself this photo. But I’m sure it’s not just a sign – it’s a SIGN! I WILL figure out what’s wrong with this dadgum computer!! I just need to fortify myself with a stout!! I’m thinking Maple Mackinac Fudge.

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