At first, I was happy to hear from a reader asking about the columns I usually write this time of year, featuring the ear-catching names of college football players on teams that will be playing in various bowl games.
The note said something like, “Gee, with only 28 bowl games this season, guess you won’t be able to write those ‘amusing names’ columns? What a relief! Love, Mom.”
Well, not so fast! While it’s true that there are many fewer rosters to draw interesting names from, it only means that I had to invent a few extra “players,” confident as I am that none of you will ever bother to do any fact-checking to see if I’m telling the truth. Okay, so that’s not actual journalism, but since when did you ever expect actual journalism from me?!?!
And away we gooooo!!!:
When the sleeping arrangements are up to snuff, you have this Coastal Carolina wide receiver’s surname: Aaron Bedgood.
If you’ll allow me to mix English and Latin, this guy’s name could easily be interpreted as “Quick Man”: University of Texas-San Antonio (UTSA) quarterback Suddin Sapien.
There’s probably an interesting story behind each of these names: UTSA running back Sincere McCormick; Marshall wide receiver Stone Scarcelle; Marshall defensive lineman Raymeco Mucker; Tulsa offensive lineman Tiller Bucktrot; Houston placekicker Bubba Baxa.
A flag or two may get thrown in a UTSA game, but it sure ain’t gonna be 6’4”, 255 pound linebacker Shaquille Flagg.
These sound like the kind of people who could efficiently run, oh, I don’t know, say, a LESS DYSFUNCTIONAL NATIONAL GOVERNMENT?!?!: UTSA linebacker Solomon Wise; UTSA defensive lineman Rashad Wisdom; Marshall running back Knowledge McDaniel; University of Buffalo defensive back Logic Hudgens; Wake Forest University running back Justice Ellison.
When Western Kentucky turns the offensive squad over to this quarterback, it’s Darius Ocean’s 11. Same thing for Texas Christian’s defense, with defensive end Ochaun Mathis!
I think this guy has a future as an intelligent leader of a university: Marshall wide receiver Chancellor Bright.
This guy makes me think “If only I’d named one of my kids Stuey Stuart!”: University of Buffalo QB Casey Case.
One of the most popular Buffalo players on Facebook is defensive lineman Frendy Darelus.
If you don’t like kale, you might get more than you care for with Oklahoma State, featuring wide receivers Cale Cabbiness and Cale Fulsom.
Who’s gonna push around Oklahoma State’s 285-pound lineman Rody Schneider? Just his teammate and big brother Ry, who tips the scales at 325.
Of course this guy is my MVP of the 2020 bowl season!: Wake Forest wide receiver Donald Stewart.
Wake Forest has a wide receiver who’d make a perfect tight end! — Tommy Tight! Also, Wake’s actual tight end hears his name a lot when ESPN basketball announcers call a made three-point shot — Trey Boll.
This Wisconsin QB’s name is something I would strongly advise against — Chase Wolf.
Tulsa’s opponents are sometimes thrown off their game by the barnyard sounds of the Golden Hurricane’s offensive line, mostly from Chester Baah and Tyler Bray.
Blackberries and raspberries have drupelets; Ball State University has quarterback Drew Plitt.
Ball State likes to take their shots, mainly relying on QB Eddie Schott and his big bro linebacker Tony Schott.
West Virginia has a lot of leg in it’s kicking game – specifically place kicker Casey Legg.
I thought Oregon cornered the market on a particular first name, with Jaylon Redd, wide receiver; Jaylan Jeffers, offensive lineman; and his line mate Jaylen Smith.
Then I saw University of Texas’ roster, with offensive lineman Jaylen Garth, linebacker Jaylan Ford, and defensive back Jalen Green.
But wait! — lookie at North Carolina State! They feature: wide receiver Jalen Coit, linebacker Jayland Parker, linebacker Jaylon Scott, AND defensive back Jalen Frazier!
As usual Purdue didn’t make a bowl game, but at least there’s Hawaii’s defensive back Jalen Perdue, San Jose State offensive lineman Anthony Pardue, and Southern Cal Defensive back Brandon Perdue.
Even the brattiest kids would obey every word from their caregiver if it was 6’8” 255 pound Oregon tight end Tyler Nanney.
Would you agree that this U of Houston offensive lineman’s name is synonymous with “ultimate prohibitions”?: Max Banes
This University of Arkansas linebacker is playing the wrong sport!: Bumper Pool.
The Hunter family of Denver, Colorado, sent their son to University of Hawai’i to play running back, bringing an end to their nightly bedtime ritual of saying “Night night Dae Dae!”